she's not me

she's not me
doesn't look like me, talk like me, act like me
love like me
and you're no longer the you i knew
with your new found confident exterior and your need to impress
but now, now
i see all the weaknesses love concealed

but i still don't think she deserves you.

and yet,

i want you to resign yourself to her
because i know, i know
she's not the one

and i don't want you to find that one.

i want you to be happy
just not so happy that you forget all i was
and all i am
and will be, for my next love

when i'm ready, to forget, about you.

a life of deadlines & to do lists

a life of deadlines & to do lists
is no life i want to live
balancing dropping balancing the
weight of the world, while I
wait for the world,
and it comes, like a
tidal wave, overcoming me
pushing me, pulling me
but never, ever,
cleansing me.

running in circles
beginning forgotten, no end too far
no end too soon
day after day after day
after day
flying by like a tiger, scared
that i'm going to blink

and it's all going to fall apart.

when everything is right, how can it all feel wrong?
fragile, but mine, was it mine all along?
so blessed, so fortunate, but i want it all.

Time

"If you went running when you first started thinking about it, you'd be back by now."
-Nike ad

"There's not a moment to lose in the game,
Don't let the troubles in your head,
Steal too much time you'll soon be dead,
So play"
- Dave Matthews

"If you enjoy wasting time, then it's time not wasted."
-Me

I'm the type of girl

I'm the type of girl who's never met a stranger
smiles even when no one's looking
sings in the shower and dances in the car
will call bullshit, with a lady's grace
will look you dead in the eye
confident like no other, but fully aware of my weaknesses
and will readily admit to them.

I'm the type of girl who dreams of meeting her soulmate
but is excited for all the wrong ones along the way
who's ready and willing to try (almost) anything
and enjoys a big city but appreciates a rocking chair on a quiet porch.

I'm college football, sunshine and seagulls
not easily quittable
passion, intellect, soul, and heart
road trips, freedom, the journey and the destination
not easily impressed
extremely impatient
ultra feminine, submissive and dominant
just me.

What do you do?

What do you do when there's no more tears left to cry? When there's no sobbing in your pillow or running to hide? When you're forced to leave the life you've expected for a new found love?

When the solidness you know is falling apart under your feet and your'e too weak to do a damn thing to fix it? And what if it can't be fixed? And there's no glue that can mend your heart?

What do you do when you relize the terrible lie that humanity as we know it preaches? When you're surrounded by plastic people and your mind is handicapped by both fantasy and reality?

What do you do when your soul becomes hollow and nobody understands? Or could possibly comprehend or fathom?

When normality becomes fiction and a smile from something lost can melt your heart.

What if you're stuck in the atmosphere you yourself created and are forced to stray from your own desires? When you can only share your emotion with others through

lyrics and angels.

When you are seen as the opposite of who you are, but ignore that devastating realization? When you care about nothing but making the One, the one, you love happy?

You become me, and there is no escape.

-Going through a box of old notes between Gary & I. . . No clue what I wrote this about.

The rose

The rose
Lay wilted
Blocked by the shadow
Of a daisy
Standing tall, fragile
The powerful daisy
Looks down
And laughs at the rose
That might
Have been

The butterflies are back

The butterflies are back
Here so often
Doing their gymnastics routines
Inside my stomach
With every new object of attention
Of distraction.

I sit, wait,and wonder
(More like filling time?)
Will it be good, bad
Exected, not
I stare at the ceiling
I know the pattern by heart
It's my comfort
Random, but logical
Unpredictable.

Years since these feelings have been
Wondered if they would return
If they could return
And, I feel so alive
Feeling again
Feeling able to feel again
And finding excitement in that.

Introspection can frustrate and define

You don't know what you've got until you lose it
You don't know what's right without the wrong
You don't know what you'll miss out on 'til you blow it
And by then what's right is over and it's gone.

You can't move on until you've faced the past
You can't mature 'til you realize not all can last
You can't become anew until you've faced the pain
And only then true happiness can you attain.

a rush, no

a rush, no
a resurgence
of a part of me buried
years ago
in a shallow grave
screaming (at first) to be free
but stifled
and ignored
and censored
as i went forward
with a hand to hold.

fast foward
opinionated youn lady, but still
voice less
silent to that forgotten passion
now found, no rekindled
by a stroke of chance (luck? fate?)
burning as intense as it once did
sharing, screaming, whispering
and FEELING
in a way that can only be done
in a poem.