expectations and fantasies

expectations and fantasies

clashing with reality

forcing evaluation

of wants versus needs

begging the question

of if they're the same

and if my priorities 

are societies, and not mine.

the rays from the sun

aren't brighter than the light

from my smile

reflecting from his soul

intertwined with mine

in such a natural way

meant to be as one

glowing, light

moving forward

in this world

hand in hand

Miserable.

and i don't understand

and i don't understand 

why things are this way

for me, a pattern

of soul mates of

separation

of strain

of love

and i don't mean to question

the purpose it serves

for me, my life

my purpose here

on this earth

from Him above

and i don't mean to be ungrateful

i'm not, i'm blessed

so dearly blessed, and

happy, content

and utterly

alive

but why, again?

do i have to spend

nights on the phone

watching two as one

as i sit alone

miles away

from my

other

part

the risk? the chance?

one i must take

but happiness i

just can't fake

and i'm scared,

so scared

of doing this 

once more

because i have, i've tried,

it's failed

before

but if it's meant to be

it will

i won't keep score

it's win

or lose

but still,

a chore.

would you believe it?

a year ago today

a relationship ended

and i laid awake last night

seeing myself falling again

and falling hard

with someone 

who is everything

i have asked for

it's come full circle

through the dark days

and the chilling nights

of loneliness, of desire

of impulse and satisfaction

and 

completely and entirely and surely

worth the wait

this smile can't be taken

off my glowing face

anytime soon

I can't bear it any more

day after day

unattainable goal

pushing aside the happiness

i have finally found

No I can't, I can't

I want to

I need to

I need YOU

but, no, not yet.

Obnoxioun, frustration, 

Seeping, destroying

what was built brick by brick

Oh no, a flood

two by two

one

No time, no time she said!

then when? HOW?

tomorrow? NO

right NOW!

but it looms, so soon

so close i fear

not ready, it seeps

destroying

yesterday

crystal, clear, anew, and born

but false and shamed, ashamed

no time to mourn

the only thing

that could make

this more perfect

is if

my family

were here to share it.

everything is divine intervention

everything is divine intervention
but sometimes
it's painfully obvious
it's time to move on and let go

i've been on my knees, confused
seeking answers
whatever completes you, controls you
He said.

do not find that in others, find that in Me
and only then, will you be free to see My grace
through my reflection in him
your soul mate.

and for my soul mate I no longer yearn,
I know longer rush,
just me and my Maker, my trust
in Him, for when I'm ready
to appreciate my unanswered prayers
and have the unspoken ones gifted to me :)

can't control

can't control the ones i love
those with whom i share my blood
not perfect, but mine
given to them from above

can't control my soul mate's plan
but able to spark, and smile, and share
know when to yield, when to refrain
and know who's worth even going there

can't control the health i curse
but i can count my blessings and live
knowing others fight their own demons,
and I've got plenty to give

can't control my rephrensible thoughts
those my heart knows offend
but my actions and words need not match up
every stranger a friend

can't or won't
only control what we can,
whether we turn the other way
or offer to lend a hand

because,
what it comes down to
is there's only one thing we can control
what we do, the decisions we make
and impressions, above all

another ending/ another beginning

another ending/ another beginning
smoother than the last
sitting on the porch
bay breeze just in my grasp

the last ending was not sought
but it was right on time
this one anticipated, welcomed
with a new beginning - all mine

the themes from the last
needy, unwise, naive
are no more, they're buried
just a prologue to what you'll read

i went on a walk today

i went on a walk today
with an old, new friend
i confessed my darkest secrets
trying to make amends

with my past, for my future
feeling the need to be judged
seen as so perfect,
the truth needn't be nudged

to remind myself, i'm human
not perfect, not a saint
just a small town southern girl
grown, evolved, but ever so quaint

the black crows have flown away

the black crows have flown away
hibernated to the north to stay
the sunlight twinkles off the shore
glistening in my soul forevermore

skimming the surface

skimming the surface
bubbles overflowing
diving to the deepest possible depths
dryer than the dessert

reflection in the moonlight
blinded by the sunlight
blowing in the wind
stagnant in the chill

isolated at the zenith
crowded in the hollows
bound to my reflection
torn from my enemy

in a single word
it's everything and nothing
all at the same time

when the sun goes down

when the sun goes down
and the lights go off
and it's just me and my thoughts
they turn to you
in a devious kind of way
playful innocent
sinful
what i desire and yearn for
in thought only
if it were to happen
outside my fantasies, into reality
i'd only feel guilty
for the intense pleasure
i'm certain to feel
and the insanity of
the release you're sure to
make me have

=)

"Chew your meat for you/
Pass it back and forth/
In a flatulent kiss/
From my mouth to yours/
Sloppy lips to lips/
You're my vitamins
I like you."
-KC

=)

so many fake people

so many fake people
in their costumes
and masks and facades
wanting to be seen
not as they are
but as they want to be

i find it sad really
so discontent
and insecure and camoflauged
the shallow attempts
to gain acceptance
for a kiss or a smile

i am confidence
and self and radiant purity
never callous never fake
always caring and true
and never, ever willing
to hide

it's cold

it's cold
my heart.
and lonesome too
stale, daunting
crystal blue.

it's lost
my soul.
unrelenting pain
sadness, confusion
pouring rain.

it's hiding
my hope.
i know it's there
somewhere, a blessing
my cross to bear.

it'll heal
with time.
i'm so impatient
wanting, yearning
just need to face it.

funny isn't it

funny isn't it
when your go to person
isn't there

when the person you count on
more than anyone
has disappeared

when you pick up the phone
and dial the number
and the voice on the other end
doesn't seem to care

overwhelming isn't it
this realization i've accepted
it's cold, it's absent
it was oh so rare

that connection so deep
those feelings so strong
no matter what i went through
i could do no wrong

so warming isn't it
knowing i don't need him
so many kind words
have lifted my spirit

from those who i thought
were just another friend
but who i now know
will be there, til the end

my heart is broken

my heart is broken
i loved her crazy ways
i was named for her
born on her birthday
now with questions unanswered
and words unsaid
my heart it hurts
why is she dead?

gramma june, if i could, i'd have
watched you last night to make sure you were safe
and talked to you about the election and all that's at stake
i want it undone, i want someone to blame
i don't get it, what happened, you were well, you were sane
then out of nowhere, this unexpected word
you were amazing, huge heart, song like a bird

dear God, i've never dealt with death before
i don't know what to do, how to feel
my soul, it is sore
and bruised and confused and unyielding and sad
and I won't lie, it's wrong, and i'm sorry
but i'm mad.
i'm mad at the world and mad at myself
for everytime i could have called her or wrote her
but put those thoughts on the shelf
to whatever i thought was more important or less work
now i feel selfish and wrong and sorry
and a jerk.

but i loved her with all of my heart
i still do,
and i hope, i pray, that she knows that,
as do You.

so I ask that you watch over her, and protect her
she's Yours,
my grandmother, my friend, your daughter,
before You my soul pours.

I want to be

"Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try."
-Lynard Skynard

I want to be a
"simple kind of man"
not driven by wants
but satisfied by
my needs being met
in the hands of the Lord.

I don't want to succumb
to the wants and desires
of the lifestyle
that I'm leading up to
because it always seems
you live in a hurry,
you die in a hurry,
and each day is another day
that can be spent
in Praise.

I can be half of
a (humble) "power couple"
and still give back
and offer thanks
and be admired for
more than my status,
but for who I truly am
within.

And make Him happy.

its hit the point where i'm just

its hit the point where i'm just
over it

fed up, tired, complacent,
and stoic

the past (not) forgotten,
but my future's foregone it

now driven by possibility, excitement,
and music.

Our places, our things

Our places, our things
They just can’t be
Because without you
There’s no you and me.

Just you with her
And me at home
Forced to shelter
My thing, is alone.

Alone, withdrawn
Feel the pain
Safe from harm
But strangely, sane.

she's not me

she's not me
doesn't look like me, talk like me, act like me
love like me
and you're no longer the you i knew
with your new found confident exterior and your need to impress
but now, now
i see all the weaknesses love concealed

but i still don't think she deserves you.

and yet,

i want you to resign yourself to her
because i know, i know
she's not the one

and i don't want you to find that one.

i want you to be happy
just not so happy that you forget all i was
and all i am
and will be, for my next love

when i'm ready, to forget, about you.

a life of deadlines & to do lists

a life of deadlines & to do lists
is no life i want to live
balancing dropping balancing the
weight of the world, while I
wait for the world,
and it comes, like a
tidal wave, overcoming me
pushing me, pulling me
but never, ever,
cleansing me.

running in circles
beginning forgotten, no end too far
no end too soon
day after day after day
after day
flying by like a tiger, scared
that i'm going to blink

and it's all going to fall apart.

when everything is right, how can it all feel wrong?
fragile, but mine, was it mine all along?
so blessed, so fortunate, but i want it all.

Time

"If you went running when you first started thinking about it, you'd be back by now."
-Nike ad

"There's not a moment to lose in the game,
Don't let the troubles in your head,
Steal too much time you'll soon be dead,
So play"
- Dave Matthews

"If you enjoy wasting time, then it's time not wasted."
-Me

I'm the type of girl

I'm the type of girl who's never met a stranger
smiles even when no one's looking
sings in the shower and dances in the car
will call bullshit, with a lady's grace
will look you dead in the eye
confident like no other, but fully aware of my weaknesses
and will readily admit to them.

I'm the type of girl who dreams of meeting her soulmate
but is excited for all the wrong ones along the way
who's ready and willing to try (almost) anything
and enjoys a big city but appreciates a rocking chair on a quiet porch.

I'm college football, sunshine and seagulls
not easily quittable
passion, intellect, soul, and heart
road trips, freedom, the journey and the destination
not easily impressed
extremely impatient
ultra feminine, submissive and dominant
just me.

What do you do?

What do you do when there's no more tears left to cry? When there's no sobbing in your pillow or running to hide? When you're forced to leave the life you've expected for a new found love?

When the solidness you know is falling apart under your feet and your'e too weak to do a damn thing to fix it? And what if it can't be fixed? And there's no glue that can mend your heart?

What do you do when you relize the terrible lie that humanity as we know it preaches? When you're surrounded by plastic people and your mind is handicapped by both fantasy and reality?

What do you do when your soul becomes hollow and nobody understands? Or could possibly comprehend or fathom?

When normality becomes fiction and a smile from something lost can melt your heart.

What if you're stuck in the atmosphere you yourself created and are forced to stray from your own desires? When you can only share your emotion with others through

lyrics and angels.

When you are seen as the opposite of who you are, but ignore that devastating realization? When you care about nothing but making the One, the one, you love happy?

You become me, and there is no escape.

-Going through a box of old notes between Gary & I. . . No clue what I wrote this about.

The rose

The rose
Lay wilted
Blocked by the shadow
Of a daisy
Standing tall, fragile
The powerful daisy
Looks down
And laughs at the rose
That might
Have been

The butterflies are back

The butterflies are back
Here so often
Doing their gymnastics routines
Inside my stomach
With every new object of attention
Of distraction.

I sit, wait,and wonder
(More like filling time?)
Will it be good, bad
Exected, not
I stare at the ceiling
I know the pattern by heart
It's my comfort
Random, but logical
Unpredictable.

Years since these feelings have been
Wondered if they would return
If they could return
And, I feel so alive
Feeling again
Feeling able to feel again
And finding excitement in that.

Introspection can frustrate and define

You don't know what you've got until you lose it
You don't know what's right without the wrong
You don't know what you'll miss out on 'til you blow it
And by then what's right is over and it's gone.

You can't move on until you've faced the past
You can't mature 'til you realize not all can last
You can't become anew until you've faced the pain
And only then true happiness can you attain.

a rush, no

a rush, no
a resurgence
of a part of me buried
years ago
in a shallow grave
screaming (at first) to be free
but stifled
and ignored
and censored
as i went forward
with a hand to hold.

fast foward
opinionated youn lady, but still
voice less
silent to that forgotten passion
now found, no rekindled
by a stroke of chance (luck? fate?)
burning as intense as it once did
sharing, screaming, whispering
and FEELING
in a way that can only be done
in a poem.