Miserable.

and i don't understand

and i don't understand 

why things are this way

for me, a pattern

of soul mates of

separation

of strain

of love

and i don't mean to question

the purpose it serves

for me, my life

my purpose here

on this earth

from Him above

and i don't mean to be ungrateful

i'm not, i'm blessed

so dearly blessed, and

happy, content

and utterly

alive

but why, again?

do i have to spend

nights on the phone

watching two as one

as i sit alone

miles away

from my

other

part

the risk? the chance?

one i must take

but happiness i

just can't fake

and i'm scared,

so scared

of doing this 

once more

because i have, i've tried,

it's failed

before

but if it's meant to be

it will

i won't keep score

it's win

or lose

but still,

a chore.

would you believe it?

a year ago today

a relationship ended

and i laid awake last night

seeing myself falling again

and falling hard

with someone 

who is everything

i have asked for

it's come full circle

through the dark days

and the chilling nights

of loneliness, of desire

of impulse and satisfaction

and 

completely and entirely and surely

worth the wait

this smile can't be taken

off my glowing face

anytime soon

I can't bear it any more

day after day

unattainable goal

pushing aside the happiness

i have finally found

No I can't, I can't

I want to

I need to

I need YOU

but, no, not yet.