in a new place

in a new place/

one i haven't been/

so positive/ so free/ so secure within

i ended something/

something that was good/

but i knew in my heart/

that something better would

come along in the future/

not just good, but right/

i can't force it/ i'll just know

our souls will make light

September 11 2001

*Written September 12, 2001*

This is not for those who were lost

but for what was lost instead

Not for those who we bow are head

not for those who now are dead

This death that I write of

this oh so sad goodbye

Is the loss of our freedom

the life America swore by

The tears Lady Liberty shed

on that sad, sad day

When an injustice happened

a faceless coward made us pay

Two peaceful religions

both in God we trust

And now in the defense of God

we see revenge as a must

But could we do this differently?

find peace and not make war?

Because anger breeds more anger still

and peace and love go far

I have imagined a time

I have imagined a time

when 'what ifs' were no more

and in this fairy tale land

we are still human

capable of love

capable of sin

and with confidence brings masked insecurity

that slips through the cracks

and falls through my small hands

My 'what ifs' climax my brain

pleasured with security

riddled with the unknown

In retrospect

In retrospect

I know now

that I didn't know

how I felt/

In retrospect

I now see

what had been

dark to me/

In retrospect

I realize

what I should have said and done/

In retrospect

life

just isn't as much fun

worthy is the Lamb

sometimes the heart beats faster than the brain can think

sometimes the heart beats faster than the brain can think/

that's when we ignore the facts and walk on faith/

but faith won't get you to the other side when the bridge is down/

just left stranded on the wrong side of town

the fire beneath me

what i dream but can't do

i'm shaking

i'm livid

i've wilted

i'm new

Cool breeze and that country air

Cool breeze and that country air

Some pecan trees and flowers in my hair

Grandaddy's smile and a catfish fry

Country music on the radio and the neighbors passin by

Sundresses and that southern cuisine

Church on Sundays and livin' in between...

Sunrise to sunset, no moment the same

Just climbin to heights, washed over by rain

My roots grew wings which took me far

I owe it all to one wishing star

I owe it all, to one wishing star

Ocean breeze and that gulf coast air

Saltwater and sand all up in my hair

Mama's smile and the bright blue sky

Sweet tea by the pitcher and warm apple pie

A little girl smiles buildin' her sandcastle dream

Bigger than she knows and greater than it seems

Sunrise to sunset, no moment the same

Just climbin to heights, washed over by rain

My roots grew wings which took me so far

I owe it all to one wishing star

I owe it all, to one wishing star

Starlight and moonlight tangled all in my hair

I owe it all, to that one wishing star

Rewind

Rewind/

A groundhog's day of sorts/

Playing over and again/

How did I get here/

Every day I open my eyes/

To where I've already been

You make me sick

You make me sick,

disgusted, naseous, heavy like a brick

Yet I can't say goodbye,

I want to, I can't, I need to get high

I'm cringing as I write this

Livid and mad

Furious, on fire

Not even sad

I hate you so much

Your lies, your flaws, your face, your touch

You're nothing, your wrong

Not the one, not right, a horrible song

I want to destroy you,

bring you down hard,

Tortured and red

Beaten and scarred

When goodnight ain't the end

When goodnight ain't the end/

and I'm with him again/

I lose my place, I lose what I've become

To give in, to the past/

And I see "us" so fast/

What we were, what I wanted all along

As he kisses my face/

And a passionate embrace/

Feeling safe, feeling warm, we are one

But, then, I wake up/ 

And it all ain't enough/

Hard goodbye, and I'm drowning once again

So pass the cup, fill it high/

Let me down it til I'm numb/

With time, I knew this would come

Hot bliss, a mistake/ 

And its hurts now like it did/

When I made it the past, not for good

Merry go round, best for now/ 

Tears of joy, tears of pain/

Bring the rain

Cleanse me off, make me wise/

Give me strength, break all ties/

He is gone, no more time

A dream, nothing more/

That's the end, just for now/

I am fine.

in a whirlwind of stop and bend

of sun and moon i too pretend

expectations and fantasies

expectations and fantasies

clashing with reality

forcing evaluation

of wants versus needs

begging the question

of if they're the same

and if my priorities 

are societies, and not mine.

the rays from the sun

aren't brighter than the light

from my smile

reflecting from his soul

intertwined with mine

in such a natural way

meant to be as one

glowing, light

moving forward

in this world

hand in hand

Miserable.

and i don't understand

and i don't understand 

why things are this way

for me, a pattern

of soul mates of

separation

of strain

of love

and i don't mean to question

the purpose it serves

for me, my life

my purpose here

on this earth

from Him above

and i don't mean to be ungrateful

i'm not, i'm blessed

so dearly blessed, and

happy, content

and utterly

alive

but why, again?

do i have to spend

nights on the phone

watching two as one

as i sit alone

miles away

from my

other

part

the risk? the chance?

one i must take

but happiness i

just can't fake

and i'm scared,

so scared

of doing this 

once more

because i have, i've tried,

it's failed

before

but if it's meant to be

it will

i won't keep score

it's win

or lose

but still,

a chore.

would you believe it?

a year ago today

a relationship ended

and i laid awake last night

seeing myself falling again

and falling hard

with someone 

who is everything

i have asked for

it's come full circle

through the dark days

and the chilling nights

of loneliness, of desire

of impulse and satisfaction

and 

completely and entirely and surely

worth the wait

this smile can't be taken

off my glowing face

anytime soon

I can't bear it any more

day after day

unattainable goal

pushing aside the happiness

i have finally found

No I can't, I can't

I want to

I need to

I need YOU

but, no, not yet.

Obnoxioun, frustration, 

Seeping, destroying

what was built brick by brick

Oh no, a flood

two by two

one

No time, no time she said!

then when? HOW?

tomorrow? NO

right NOW!

but it looms, so soon

so close i fear

not ready, it seeps

destroying

yesterday

crystal, clear, anew, and born

but false and shamed, ashamed

no time to mourn

the only thing

that could make

this more perfect

is if

my family

were here to share it.